With A Little Help From My Friends

Experiments in Human Thriving #14: knowing your listening style, how to heal in community and a podcast on what abundance means at a government level.

Hello, amazing human 👋🏽

I come from a family of talkers. My mum’s side, from Slovenia, are singers and storytellers: heavy gesturing raconteurs. My dad’s side, from Sri Lanka, are joyful, witty jokers, quick to laugh and one up each other. Family gatherings at our place growing up were NOISY. People speaking over each other, and holding multiple conversations at once was always the norm.

It took me longer than it should have to realise other families were not the same. I must have been in my late teens the first time I realised that when I cut in and started talking with some of my friends, they would politely stop talking. Rather than the continuous bouncing back and forth I was used to, I was actually stifling my friends with my stream of consciousness.

I’ve spent the past 20 years trying to be a better listener, and to try and shut the hell up at least as much as I speak. The Excited Adult in me is a very Chatty Cathy.

In the past few weeks, I’ve been catching up with quite a few friends who are going through some tough times, and I’ve never been more present to the importance of listening gently, and probing for the heart of the matter.

“I feel like you’ve always got something that makes me think and feel a bit better than when I went in,” one of my mates texted after a long walk this weekend.

It made me realise how much we are not fixed in the way we do things. Could Megan of 10 years ago be as gentle and present as she is now? Absolutely not. To me, it’s one of the juiciest parts of ageing: realising I’m getting better at all those things I admired in my teachers and older friends. The ones who were so kind and patient with me as I bounced around my endless existential crises. Now I get to pay that forward.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

👯🏽 Bringing Emotions To Community

This week’s episode of Minds Matter seemed to capture exactly what I’ve been wrestling with of late: HOW to best show up for friends who are struggling, and how to ask for what I want from my community.

I love this podcast. Aside from being a rare science based take on neuroscience and psychology, it’s also co-hosted by one of my favourite people, who you may know as Beth of the Tupperware Chaos. (If you’ve just joined us, feel free to check out the hill I will die on, AKA The Lids On Method.)

This episode looks at how we handle tough emotions: alone or with others? Their guest Dr. Razia Sahi punched me in the gut with her research on social emotion regulation, including the ongoing benefits of having a friend reframe a situation, validation of feelings, and how even just thinking someone else is weighing in can sway how we manage our hearts.

As someone who tends to hide out when the going gets tough, it was yet another reminder of the importance of reaching out, and of connecting to community.

🎈How Do You Listen To Emotions?

One of the first exercises I’ll do in any workshop is prompt based noticing: if I say puppy, what happens in your brain? How about red? Or mango?

For one person, a dog might be a sweet little cartoon Clifford, bounding his way across their minds eye. For someone else, it might elicit tears, remembering their recently put down corgi. Noticing where your mind goes with these “flash cards” is great training to start noticing where your mind is going at other times, for example, when someone you’re listening to gets upset.

Often, when someone is agitated or emotional, we have a reaction, and that reaction can become a barrier to our listening. Maybe you’re already tired, and someone upset or complaining feels like more you can handle hearing right now. Maybe they’re talking about someone you love, and you move straight to defensive. Maybe they gave you advice you disagreed with back in 2003, and now you can’t hear any value in what they’re offering now.

Do you have a default that you notice you go to? Particularly with certain people?

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

🧪 Excited Adult Quotient

There’s a much longer conversation we could have about the self-other distinction and compassionate listening, but I’ll dig into that another time. For now, the best listening “hack” I’ve ever encountered is to simply notice when you’re NOT listening.

For extra points, call yourself out in the moment, and admit you were mentally humming Beethoven’s Fifth, or writing your shopping list, or internally rolling your eyes. Chances are, your friend noticed you drifting away, and it’s an opportunity to come back, reset, and practice being present together. Who knows? You might even start speaking at the same time, and be able to follow each other’s threads.

🦮 How Can I Help?

💙 Emotional awareness training is the backbone of my newest workshop, “Emotional Preparedness for the Apocalypse” so if you’re keen for a team with better listening skills, and greater capacity for resilience and joy in times of crisis, let’s have a chat!

🎈Brilliant play-based learning designer Roger Manix is coming to Australia in August and I’m thrilled to get to help with his workshops. If you’d like to join us, or have Roger visit your team, let me know.

🗓️ I’ve been delivering keynotes about:
- Increasing Capacity for Discomfort
- Thriving in Uncertainty
- Compassion Training to Prevent Burnout
- Mindful Communication
and my personal favourite: “How Not To Be An A$$hole”
Check out Excited Adults for more information and bookings.

🔥 Together with the incredible team at Monash Design’s WonderLab, I’ve been hosting an award-winning co-creative futures method called The Tomorrow Party I’m in love with this playful framework for policymaking and transformative change — so if you’re looking for something truly unique and experiential for your design ideation, values setting or team building, let me know.

🎙️ I’m having a wonderful time tackling curly business and tech questions on ABC Radio National’s The Economy, Stupid. It’s a weekly examination of business, economics and finance, and how the latest headlines might affect you. My latest episode tackled what abundance could look like economically — including a mini review of Ezra Klein's book "Abundance.”

❤️ Right Now I’m…

📚 Reading August Blue, a dreamy, sun-drenched, Euro travel novel from the brilliant Deborah Levy. It’s a relatively short read that I’m revisiting — as the description goes, it “uncovers the ways in which we attempt to revise our oldest stories and make ourselves anew” which feels particularly pertinent to me right now. I’m struck by how much Levy writes in such a recognisable style; that is, wholly, Deborah Levy. In an age of AI and “the Uber of…”, it feels magical to be drawn into her artfully crafted stories.

📺 Watching the second season of Natasha Lyonne’s fun detective show, Poker Face. Season one of this was great, but this season seems to have really hit it’s stride. Aside from countless big name guests clearly having a ball, and myriad murder mystery tropes, it’s just an utterly likeable, fun watch. Plus, I needed something lighter after all the existential consciousness drama I’ve been smashing down this year.

🎵 Listening to a bunch of boppy Italo Disco to get me going in the morning, including this new track Rosmarina, a collab from Moorea Masa and Tommaso Cappellato. The two met in an LA jazz club and found they shared a mutual love for late 70s Italian soul and disco records. It’s made me revisit this dreamy track from Moorea, “I Can’t Tell” which shows off her considerable vocal chops.

---

If you’re not able to commit to something ongoing, would you consider buying me an almond latte to keep warm against the chill of the Australian winter?